SETTING: Main lobby and sitting room of a small B&B in Upstate Vermont. The reception desk is stage left. A large picture window is upstage center next to the door. It is night and snowing heavily.
AT RISE: The INNKEEPER walks over to the TV and turns it on.
VOICE ON TV
Tonight, the untold story of mystery and suspense of six strangers trapped in a small hotel in upstate Vermont on a cold and snowy night.
INNKEEPER
Nobody will watch that show.
VOICE ON TV
You’re wrong about that.
INNKEEPER
Alexa, is that you again?
(INNKEEPER turns off the TV and opens the curtain to reveal a stagehand on a ladder throwing fake snow.)
It’s a blizzard out there.
(Sound effect of wind.)
It’s windy too.
(INNKEEPER closes the curtain and returns to the reception desk.)
(Door opens. STRANGER #1, with a preppy sweater, stands in the doorway as the stagehand throws snow on his head. He brushes it off as the stagehand throws
more snow. He dodges the snow.)
STRANGER 1
Enough already.
(The stagehand throws one last bit of snow in his face.) Excuse me, one moment.
(STRANGER 1 moves outside the doorway and shakes the ladder, and we hear the sound of the ladder crashing and the scream of the STAGE HAND.
STRANGER 1 reenters,)
I need a room on this cold and snowy night.
(Sound of wind.)
INNKEEPER
Do you have a reservation?
STRANGER 1
No.
INNKEEPER
Excellent. I love the expression on your face when I ask that question. Did you ever go to an empty restaurant and ask for a table? The hostess said, “Do you have a reservation? You look around, and no one is there. She tells you, “Sorry, come back after nine.” I take out my repressed anger from those encounters on every guest. I ask the same question to everyone who walks through that door. I watch them squirm, hoping for the best but anticipating the worst as I review my reservation list. (Whispers.) I don’t have a list. We don’t take reservations.
(THE INNKEEPER turns the guest book around and gives him a pen.)
Sign here. We are empty.
(STRANGER1 signs in.)
Welcome to the Runaway Inn, where you can hide from life through self-medication. Is your name STRANGER 1?
STRANGER 1
Yes. I haven’t developed my character enough to warrant a real name. I don’t have a backstory, and I haven’t created any peculiar habits to suggest who I am. Perhaps that will come later.
INNKEEPER
You could walk with a limp from when the cops shot you, robbing a bank. Now you are on the run and ended up here as a mysterious stranger.
STRANGER 1
You have more imagination than the author of this story. But I don’t like the idea of a limp. I want to be perfect so that women will swoon over me. Look at my jaw. I am a leading man type with a square jaw and broad shoulders.
INNKEEPER
(Scrutinizes him.)
The director should have cast someone else for your role.
STRANGER 1
Did you see how I decked that stagehand throwing snow when I entered? I must have a temper, and I’m impatient. Now that’s the start of what women want.
INNKEEPER
That preppy sweater tied around your neck gives you away as a privileged Ivy leaguer, a Harvard want-a-be. Why aren’t you wearing a coat on this cold and snowy night?
(Sound of wind.)
STRANGER 1
I never wore one in rehearsal. Don’t I seem more heroic out on a cold and snowy night… (Sound of wind.) braving the elements with only a sweater?
INNKEEPER
Please, save me from your nonsense.
STRANGER 1
Who are you talking to?
INNKEEPER
The author, who else? I would like your character to be a little less self-absorbed.
STRANGER 1
Thank you, I can use that idea.
(The door flies open, and STRANGER 2 stands in the doorway, pretending to brush the snow from his coat. Then snow is thrown on him.)
STRANGER 2
(To stage hand.)
You missed your cue.
STAGEHAND
(Off)
I was fixing the broken ladder.
STRANGER 2
(In a loud, boisterous voice.) I would like a room on this cold and snowy night!
(Sound of wind. The curtain opens slightly, and a hand throws snow into the room.)
STRANGER 1
Can you tone it down a bit?
STRANGER 2
(In the same loud voice.)
I would like a room on this…
STRANGER 1
STOP! Don’t say another word. That wind sound drives me mad.
INNKEEPER
That’s it. The wind sound drives you to murder the other guests. But the audience doesn’t know that you are the murderer.
STRANGER 1
You just told them. That idea will not turn this story into an Agatha Christy-type play. We need a plot twist for that to happen. If we want a long-running show, we need a murder mystery. Audiences love a good murder mystery, but I don’t understand why people enjoy watching others killed.
INNKEEPER
Don’t get all philosophical on me. I don’t care to watch you discover who you are. If so, this play will close shortly. We cannot turn this story into a “struggle for identity in the modern world, starring some no-name actor as Stranger 1.” Some violence or a wrongly accused murderer works for me. Besides, I could use an extended paycheck in a long run.
STRANGER 1
Are you getting paid?
STRANGER 2
(In his loud voice)
I would like a room.
INNKEEPER
How did you get a part in this play? Your acting is terrible.
STRANGER 2
My cousin wrote it.
INNKEEPER
Do you have a reservation?
(STRANGER 2 looks shocked.)
It never gets old for me. Look around. Does it look like I have a room? All we could afford is this lobby for a set, and the way this play is going, we won’t be able to keep the stage props. That sofa is a rental.
(Enter OFFICER SOMEBODY, a white cop.)
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Everyone, freeze. Don’t make a sudden move.
STRANGER 2
Are you the black man whose car broke down at the bottom of the hill?
(OFFICER SOMEBODY looks confused, then slowly back away.)
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Um, I think I jumped my line. I’ll just leave and come back later. (He exits. Off stage, we hear him arguing with the STAGE HAND.)
It’s your job to cue me when to enter. You ruined my surprise entrance.
STAGEHAND
(Off)
I’m stuck throwing snow from this ladder on a cold and snowy night.
(Sound of wind.)
INNKEEPER
Enough with the wind.
STRANGER 1
I am going mad.
INNKEEPER
That is a start on character development. Maybe we could do an updated version of Othello.
STAGEHAND
(Off.)
Suppose my parents discover this is what I’m doing with my PH. D, they’ll throw me out of the house.
(The door opens, and a sizeable BLACK MAN enters.)
BLACK MAN
I need a room.
STRANGER 1 and STRANGER 2
(In Unison.)
Do you have a reservation?
STRANGER 2
Are you the black man whose car broke down at the bottom of the hill?
(BLACK MAN walks over to STRANGER 2)
BLACK MAN
I am. Why did you pass me by?
STRANGER 2
(Frightened.)
I have a stereotypical understanding of who you are.
INNKEEPER
(Walks to BLACK MAN and looks him up and down.)
I can see that you have enormous … talent. (Flirtatious.) You can have the room adjoining mine.
BLACK MAN
Not necessary; I’ll take his.
(Points to STRANGER 2.)
STRANGER 1
Let’s see. We have a black man victimized by racism fighting back. Check that box. We have an out-of-control white cop. Check that box. We are still missing something to make this story compelling.
(The door opens and LISA rolls in her wheelchair.)
STRANGER 2
A cripple!
STRANGER 1
No, no, no, she’s disabled.
STRANGER 2
So, she’s crippled and disabled.
INNKEEPER
I’m sorry, but we don’t have a handicap-accessible room available. There’s an inn about a quarter of a mile from here. They may have one. You should roll yourself there before the snow gets too deep. The good news is, it’s all downhill.
LISA
(She stands up and pushes the wheelchair away.)
Never mind, I never liked the idea that I was handicapped. I’m not playing that character.
STRANGER 2
It’s a miracle, my Lisa, you can walk again.
LISA
How did you know my name?
STRANGER 2
I read ahead on the story. My undying love brings you to the true meaning in life, and you fall in love with me.
LISA
I’m out of here if that’s the story. I didn’t see that version.
STRANGER 1
Why do you have a name, and we don’t?
LISA
Women characters are more developed and more complex from the start. Women have a backstory. The famous Russian director Stanislavski said to use your childhood traumas to bring depth to your character.
STRANGER 2
Did you say he was Russian?
LISA
Yes.
STRANGER 2
Are you saying that he influenced all modern actors?
LISA
Yes.
STRANGER 2
That’s Russian disinformation! No wonder modern plays have predictable plots, with everyone developing their characters. The Russians destroyed the Western theatre. I, for one, will lead an actor’s rebellion against this communist idea of exploring one’s character. In the name of Western civilization, I refuse to develop my character. Thank you.
(He looks around.)
Will anyone join me?
STRANGER 1
You make a good point; without strong characters, it makes our job easier. We simply follow a mindless plot.
LISA
(LISA looks BLACK MAN up and down.)
Who are you?
BLACK MAN
I’m the black man.
LISA
Well, well. I can see that you have enormous … talent.
BLACK MAN
Why don’t we cut out from this story and go down the street for a cup of coffee? I know a karaoke bar where we can sing “Fiddler on the Roof.”
STRANGER 1
Show tunes and interracial romance. Check that box.
LISA
That sounds wonderful, but I would like to see how this story ends, it’s presumably a mystery, and I’ve fully developed my character.
STRANGER 1
The big mystery is finding a plot.
BLACK MAN
(To LISA.)
We will need to be quick; I’m an early riser.
STRANGER 1
You can say that again.
BLACK MAN
(He looks to STRANGER 1.)
I’m an early riser.
STRANGER 1
Don’t look at me. We’re not checking that box.
(OFFICER SOMEBODY storms in.)
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Everyone, freeze; don’t make a sudden move.
INNKEEPER
Not yet.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
I must pee.
(He dances around.)
I need to say my line and take care of business.
INNKEEPER
Go. When it’s your line, we’ll wait for you.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Thank you. You won’t regret your kindness on this cold and…
INNKEEPER
GO!
(OFFICER SOMEBODY exits.)
LISA
Do we need him in the play?
STRANGER 1
We could defund the police.
BLACK MAN
I’m OK with that.
STRANGER 2
Really?
BLACK MAN
Supposedly.
(LISA steps to the front of the stage and looks at the audience.)
LISA
Do you get the sense that someone is watching us?
(STRANGER 1 and STRANGER 2 join her.)
STRANGER 1
Do you mean other than the FBI? They work with Google to secretly read all your emails, even those in your trash.
STRANGER 2
I wondered if people applied for the FBI job of going through the trash. In the interview, do they ask an applicant to work undercover in the waste retrieval division? In the movies, something in the garbage always solves a crime. I don’t care if the FBI spies on me. I can even send them my junk. I have nothing to hide.
STRANGER 1
That’s what you think. Congress can make a new law, and you are unaware of it. Next, you are a felon.
STRANGER 2
Felonies only apply to Republicans.
STRANGER 1
I don’t want to go through life with a lawyer on one shoulder and an accountant on the other to ensure I’m not breaking the law. What kind of freedom is that?
STRANGER 2
It’s the price of American freedom. At least you are not alone.
LISA (She sniffs.)
Do you smell that?
(STRANGER 1 and STRANGER 2 sniff and
walk downstage center.)
STRANGER 2
It smells like people on a cold and snowy night. (Wind sound.)
STRANGER 1
Must you.
STRANGER 2
Sorry, I forgot.
STRANGER 1
No, no. It’s like people, smelling entertainment on a damp and dreary night.
LISA
Stale entertainment.
STRANGER 2
Why would anybody watch us?
STRANGER 1
That’s a good question. I wouldn’t worry too much about that. If someone were watching us, they would be gone by now.
(LISA runs to the sofa and takes a tragic pose. She screams.)
LISA
Help! I’m being murdered.
(She falls on the sofa.)
STRANGER 2
Oh, look, someone was murdered.
(They wait, then there is the sound of the toilet flushing. In a loud voice)
Oh, look, someone was murdered.
(OFFICER SOMEBODY storms in.)
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Everyone, freeze; don’t make a sudden move.
(He walks to the sofa.)
It appears that someone was murdered. I will now examine her breasts.
(He moves to touch her. She slaps him.)
LISA
Don’t you touch me!
(OFFICER SOMEBODY backs away.)
OFFICER SOMEBODY
She seems to be dead.
(STRANGER 2 approaches her.)
STRANGER 2
She always loved me. Now, look at her. Let me touch her breasts for you.
(LISA raises her hand, pointing her finger at
STRANGER 2 motions him to stop. He backs away.)
Let me instead admire her from afar.
BLACK MAN
Should I try?
LISA
Maybe, but I need a stiff drink first.
INNKEEPER
(Runs to her with a drink.) Here.
(LISA sits up.)
STRANGER 2
She lives!
STRANGER 1
I didn’t kill her. We had a moment of intense passion and…
LISA
That’s enough. I am not going to be part of your male fantasy. The storyline that you can’t have me, so no one will, is boring. You are a psychopath in your dreams, and I will not act that out on stage.
BLACK MAN
Does that mean that I don’t touch your breasts, either?
LISA
Your fantasy better concern breaking the bonds of oppression and not about my breasts.
INNKEEPER
Goodbye, Officer Somebody.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
That’s it. My part is finished.
LISA
Yes, unless you are part of the Black Man’s fantasy or … nightmare.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
I can do African American traffic stops with great skill.
INNKEEPER
Go, now.
(OFFICER SOMEBODY exits.)
BLACK MAN
I always wanted to be a cop in real life.
(Violin softly plays a sad melody.)
I dreamed of helping rid my neighborhood of gangs and show kids a better way of life. But I’m always typecast in plays.
STRANGER 2
As what?
BLACK MAN
A black man.
(OFFICER SOMEBODY enters)
OFFICER SOMEBODY
I’ve taken a dramatic pause, and I’m back again.
INNKEEPER
Whose fantasy this time?
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Mine.
INNKEEPER
You have a minor bit part in this play; how do you get a fantasy?
OFFICER SOMEBODY
I don’t know, ask his cousin.
(He points to STRANGER 2.)
INNKEEPER
Your fantasy better not involve touching breasts.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Where was I? Everyone, freeze, don’t suddenly move.
(He circles the sofa pointing his gun at LISA.)
Are you Mary?
LISA
No, I’m Lisa, this play’s only fully developed character.
STRANGER 2
(Whispers.)
And she’s a Russian sympathizer, terrorizing actors with character development.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Don’t lie to me. You are Mary … Mary Poppins. Freeze, I’m from ICE. I always wanted to say that. Not sure what ICE stands for, but it sounds cool. You are under arrest for illegal immigration.
LISA
I didn’t think the border patrol arrested anyone for that anymore.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
We will arrest you if we suspect you of not voting for the correct party.
LISA
But illegals can’t vote.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Wrong again. Dead people vote too. Sometimes twice. Now let me read the indictment. You are accused and, therefore, guilty of entering this country using an unauthorized aerial vehicle, AKA an umbrella made in China. You had no VISA and refused to trespass in the approved manner of illegally crossing our open Southern border. Therefore, I will handcuff you and treat you inappropriately.
STRANGER 2
Do you need help to restrain her?
LISA
All your male fantasies are horrible. No wonder you don’t have any character development. You chase your animal passions like dogs in heat.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Should I go now?
INNKEEPER
You’ve done nothing to advance the plot.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Oh, by the way, Lisa, will you email your sister? She hasn’t heard from you in a while.
LISA
How do you know that?
OFFICER SOMEBODY
I read your emails. I pledged to protect our democracy from all domestic and foreign threats. You’ve heard about our new PR campaign. “We’re your FBI. We listen to you.” Also, we will launch a new PR campaign next fall promoting our warrantless search and seizure operations. We will target the black community.
BLACK MAN
You already do.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
Lisa, some of your emails… naughty, naughty, naughty. Those I keep pinned up inside my locker.
LISA
You pervert.
OFFICER SOMEBODY
No, it’s part of my job. Somebody has to spy on you. Innkeeper, don’t forget your uncle’s birthday; you didn’t respond to the invitation.
INNKEEPER
Out, now.
(OFFICER SOMEBODY leaves)
STRANGER 2
Wait, I have a noble fantasy. I dream of climate change.
LISA
I’m sorry that I misjudged you. Your dream of climate change shows your sweet, compassionate side and is politically correct. So, tell us. Show these crude Neanderthals what a real man is.
STRANGER 2
You and I pack our bags on a cold and snowy night.
STRANGER 1
What happened to the wind?
STRANGER 2
The weather is not in my dream.
LISA
But climate change is responsible for the weather.
STRANGER 2
Is this your fantasy or mine?
LISA
Go ahead.
STRANGER 2
The chilly wind has subsided, and we board a private jet.
LISA
A private jet that’s not good for the environment.
STRANGER 2
It’s OK because we are hitching a ride with a cabinet official. He and his husband are on maternity leave, heading for the beach.
STRANGER 1
Good, we can check that box.
STRANGER 2
They are on a different part of the island, far from us.
STRANGER 1
Does anyone have an eraser? I have to uncheck a box.
LISA
And then what happens?
STRANGER 2
Suddenly, we are lying on a beach on a Caribbean Island. Your body is dripping with hot suntan oil. I lean over to touch your heaving breasts and …
LISA
STOP. You tricked me into thinking that you had climate change fantasies.
STRANGER 2
I do have climate change fantasies. We changed our climate from cold to hot. Wasn’t that evident in my description? I was getting to the good part, and the sea level was rising one inch yearly.
STRANGER 1
The sea wasn’t the only thing wet and rising one inch.
BLACK MAN
I have a dream.
INNKEEPER
Oh no, no, no. The author will not pretend to understand the black experience. It’s too controversial even to discuss casually.
STRANGER 1
She’s right. Keep your hopes and aspirations to yourself for at least fifty years.
STRANGER 2
Why don’t we focus on a plot? I have an idea. Let’s turn this story into how much fun it is to escape the Nazis.
STRANGER 1
That revival of a revival of a revival is playing down the street. I never understood the name “The Sound of Music.” Of course, music has a sound. The title is redundant. It’s like saying the Music of Music. They should retitle it using a different sense than hearing. It could be the smell, for example. The hills are alive with the smell of music.
STRANGER 2
I’d see that.
INNKEEPER
I have a dream.
STRANGER 2
Do you want to be black?
LISA
That bigoted remark will get this show closed faster than you can sing “We shall overcome…”
STRANGER 1
“Someday.”
(Pauses, turns to the audience.)
I would like to apologize to all non-white supremacists, where ever you may be, for the insensitive remark of Stranger 2. Mr. Black Man, could you read this disclaimer?
(Whispers.)
It will sound more convincing coming from you.
(STRANGER 1 hands BLACK MAN a paper.)
You can read, can’t you?
(BLACK MAN glares at STRANGER 1)
BLACK MAN
I have a law degree.
STRANGER 1
Just checking. That doesn’t necessarily mean you can read.
BLACK MAN
(Reads in an educated voice.)
Stranger 2s racist views do not reflect the opinions of the author, theatre managers, the author’s uncle who cheated on his wife and ran off with his 21year-old assistant, family pets, and some politicians.
STRANGER 1
We needed that legal disclaimer. You do have enormous… talent.
LISA
Innkeeper, I would like to hear about your dream.
STRANGER 1
(Whispers to STRANGER 2.)
It’s OK. She can dream. She’s white.
LISA
Do we have two racists in this play?
BLACK MAN
Do I need to reread the disclaimer?
LISA
I wish that it would stop snowing so I could leave.
STAGEHAND
(Enters.)
I can make it stop.
STRANGER 2
God has entered our story.
STRANGER 1
He’s wearing carpenter’s clothes. But he doesn’t have a beard, and everyone knows God has one.
LISA
No, SHE does not.
STRANGER 1
OK, we can check that box.
STRANGER 2
If he can stop the snow and is not God, he must be a climate change activist. Can you change this place into a tropical paradise? The Caribbean is getting a little dicey for American tourists.
STRANGER 1
Climate change activists are against climate change.
STRANGER 2
Do you mean they are conservatives?
INNKEEPER
(To the STAGE HAND)
You said you have a Ph.D. What was your field?
STAGEHAND
Women Studies.
STRANGER 2
I study women too.
LISA
That’s called stalking.
INNKEEPER
When I was in college, that was the most popular subject.
STRANGER 2
Did you wear women’s clothes to class?
STAGEHAND
It was optional but encouraged. The women in the department dressed as men in wrinkled, unwashed clothes.
STRANGER 1
We can check that box.
STAGEHAND
I minored in Celebrity Worship. It is part of the religion department.
INNKEEPER
What is the most popular course of study now?
STAGEHAND
My university offers an advanced degree in Celebrity Gossip. The women dress in evening gowns and pose at the doorway before entering class like this.
(The STAGE HAND poses as if he were on a red carpet.)
You watch hours and hours of awards shows to learn the political views of celebrities, and then the professors quiz the students.
INNKEEPER
But aren’t their views all the same?
STAGEHAND
There are nuances.
STRANGER 1
Celebrities are actors who memorize the words someone else writes, like us. Have you ever watched them interviewed about starring in a film? They only repeat the Cliff Notes version of the plot.
STRANGER 2
I’d like to be a celebrity, so people will follow my political views on subjects I know nothing about.
INNKEEPER
I’ll turn on the TV for the weather report.
(She clicks on the remote.)
VOICE ON TV
And now for tonight’s weather. It’s a cold and snowy night here. Stay inside and huddle together to stay warm.
STRANGER 2
Good advice.
(STRANGER 2 moves toward LISA.)
VOICE ON TV
Not with her. You are all stuck in that Inn for the night. Deal with it.
(INNKEEPER clicks off TV)
LISA
Should we invite the Stage Hand to stay inside?
STRANGER 2
No, crucify him!
INNKEEPER
Unfortunately, there is no room at the Inn.
LISA
What about the stable out back?
OFFICER SOMEBODY
(Off)
You can go with him, Mary.
STAGEHAND
I’d better go back to throwing snow. You heard the weather report.
(The STAGE HAND exits.)
STRANGER 2
Goodbye, God, and happy Easter.
BLACK MAN
Your attitude is blasphemous. I’ll get the disclaimer.
STRANGER 1
It’s OK. Our generation admires blasphemy. God just dumps snow on us. He’s now AKA Mother Nature. He/She is not essential to recent college grads.
LISA
We used to have inalienable rights endowed by our Creator. Now, of course, our rights come from our government. It’s so much more predictable and controllable. God always was a wild card.
STRANGER 2
Does that mean we can be less moral too?
INNKEEPER
My generation deceived ourselves into thinking we had sexual freedom without consequence.
STRANGER 2
Ahh, for the good old days.
LISA
My generation has fresh new ways to deceive ourselves like we should hide in safe spaces away from opposing thoughts.
STRANGER 1
That’s called a university education.
STAGEHAND
(Off.)
I could use my blanky right now.
STRANGER 1
(Steps towards the audience.)
Now might be the moment to ask you, our beloved audience, assuming some of you are still here, to please be patient. If there is any group or political ideology, we have not yet offended; we will get to you. If you are still not outraged by the end of the story, please drop us an email. Our address is donotreply@fbi.gov/wewatchyou.
(He steps back.)
Let’s continue.